Being a captive to self !

I don't like these types of posts. I don't like to reveal how ugly my heart is. My week has been an interesting one... One filled with terrible relavations and hard lessons.

About Wednesday of this week, I felt deep conviction. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew it wasn't good. I felt super self focused and absorbed. Let me tell you a little bit of what that looks like for me. Typically, it begins as a GOOD thing.... Discipline to an exercise regimen, eating healthy, enjoying the sunshine and being tan. But, for me, I sometimes let these things take hold of me. I find my "self" rearing its ugly head. My "self" is something I kicked to the curb a long time ago - a person who chased money and power, and had dreams of living it big. I crucified that "self" when the Lord became my Savior, but that doesn't mean it always isn't trying its very best to take me back down memory lane.

In those moments, I find my focus taken off Christ and put on me. I find my capability to love others to be nearly impossible because I'm thinking only of me. "What can I do to make this better? What can I put on today to look better? What can I do to be more beautiful, smarter, more desirable ?"

Let me tell you when the issues arise. The issues begin when I go to MYSELF to ask and answer such questions, not God. This is what I want my life to look like:

"Jesus, how can I be more beautiful in YOUR eyes?"
"Jesus, how can I do better to glorify your name?"
"Lord, how can I make your name known today?"

When I try to answer questions like this according to myself and not Him, I am always a wreck. I am let down, broken, confused, disappointed, shamed, etc. And so that's where I am today. I'm so thankful for such a pursuing God, who just kept and continues to pull at my heart strings. Who continues to show me how much pain and unhappiness and shame comes through chasing self.

Self-forgetfulness ... Oh the freedom that comes with it... And JOY! My moments of greatest joy are The moments of just being... Not striving, trying, working on, working towards, etc. simply just resting in Him. So that is my Prayer for myself and for you today! Let us forget self and keep focuse on Him! :)



"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30