This was not MY plan

I’m a huge fan of plans. I like to have them – I think they bring order to life. I have a plan every morning. My alarm goes off, I run between 5 and 10 miles, and I follow it with the same protein shake every morning – one banana, a scoop of protein, a cup of unsweetened almond milk, and a scoop of all natural peanut butter. I don’t like it when my plans change. I think that is why I am so hard on myself when I miss a morning run or eat something unhealthy. I KNOW that a piece of chocolate won’t kill me. I know that missing a day of running won’t either, but I always feel like I’ve let myself down.. like I’ve veered off the blueprint I've made for myself.

A couple weeks ago, ONE of my plans did not go as scheduled. As you know, I’m working towards my masters in nuke, and my thesis right now is looking at the pellet design of Ni-63 pellets that were irradiated in the HFIR. My job is to prove that due to neutron depletion, the ring pellets will produce just as much Nickel-63 as the solid pellets of Nickel-63 (if not more). Due to depletion, absorption, and the fact that I trust my mentor mostly, this should be expected. It’s been a long process for the start of this project, because it is not a simple task to get something into the HFIR. They take things pretty seriously out there when you’re trying to irradiate isotopes.

I haven’t seen the numbers yet, but someone I work with out at the lab crunched the numbers for me. I sat down last Tuesday with my mentor who is funding the project, and he said “Well, we have some interesting news. The results aren’t what we expected at all. In fact, they are exactly the opposite.” He was laughing as he said it, assuring me it would work out either way. I have yet to calculate it myself, so it could just be a math error, but I had about a million thoughts running through my head. This is what my whole thesis is based around. NOW WHAT? What would I even prove? How was I supposed to formulate a thesis on something that didn’t back up what I was trying to prove? My mentor was laughing about it, and the professor who funds my work at school was telling me how awesome it was.. Awesome that science does exactly what we don’t expect. My mentor said something funny to me though that stuck with me. “This is great. This is exactly what nature does – it is the unknown, and it has a funny way of giving us exactly what we don’t (and CAN’T) explain or plan for.”

Of course, I knew differently. It wasn't nature. It was God. Isn't that the truth though? We follow all these plans - we have our lives planned out, thinking that we have this great idea of what our lives should look like. Today, as I sit here, I think about where I'm at in my life right now. This was NOT in my plan. Who I am today is NOT who I'd planned to be. A year ago, I'd planned on being in graduate school, being engaged by now, and standing on a mountain of false hopes and dreams. I planned on being wealthy, successful, powerful, and having all the "things" to accompany this identity. Everything would look good from the outside. I would do what I had to do to achieve success. My foundation was surely built on the sand, not the rock.

"But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:26-27

And boy did it ever come crashing down. And that was not my plan; that was part of a much greater plan - a plan of a God who was not going to let me live life just simply "happy". A plan of a God who was going to really take me through some challenging and examining times in order to find true joy in Him. So, here I am. And it's still NOT my plan. I sit here and wonder what I am doing right now. I have never been more confused about my calling in life, and yet SO completely at peace with that at the same time. I had always thought I'd be a nuclear engineer and that was it. I can see now that it's not really up to me, and I'm OK with that. I have absolutely no idea where or how God is going to use me. Maybe I'm called to open a bakery (OK, maybe I just threw that in there because that would be AMAZING), or maybe I am called in the nuclear medicine field. The only thing I know is that where I am right now is where God has me, and I don't have to strive so hard to follow all these plans that I make for myself, and neither do you! We are FREE from the pressure of plans. That doesn't mean I don't need to stay dedicated and give my work all that I can. I love what I do, and I will continue to give it all I have. It does mean though that God has got it. God is the ultimate planner, and He already has a plan for my life, and for yours! I love it when I think I have it all together, and God changes the plans in my life - it is a reminder that I can let it go, and give it to Him. Thinking back to all my mistakes, all my dumb choices, and all the "bad" things in the past couple years, I love knowing that it was all part of a a greater plan - a plan to bring glory to Him :)

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and he delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.” Psalm 37:23-24