A runner's nightmare

I had a completely different blog written out two days ago. Then, something happened yesterday that I feel needs to be addressed. It’s amazing to me the ways God reveals lessons to me through the things of importance in my life. He does this because he KNOWS us – He knows our hearts, our struggles, our thoughts. I am blown away by His complexity.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.” Psalm 139:19

If you haven’t already put two and two together, I’m a huge psycho about fitness and nutrition - More so about fitness. I am human, and I do enjoy a HUGE bowl of puppy chow every now and then (you know, those DELICIOUS SUPER HEALTHY chex mix pieces covered in peanut-butter, chocolate, and powdered sugar). With fitness, however, I sometimes push myself way too hard. My 7-mile day runs can generally turn into 9-mile runs, despite the fact my legs are exhausted from the day before. And skipping a day? NO WAY. In fact, if you’ve been around me on a day I have missed a run, you may see a completely different side of me. It affects me.. way more than it should.

I am generally tired on my Wednesday morning runs because Monday is typically a 10 or 11 miler, and Tuesday may be a 5 or a 6. The normal person would tell you to take Wednesday as a rest day, but I’m stubborn and that just doesn’t work for me. Yesterday, I was tired. I was definitely not going to make it to 6, so 5 would have to cut it. About 4.5 miles, I felt a pain in my leg. Unfortunately, I kind of live by that “no pain, no gain” saying in athletics (thanks to my dad) so the pain would just have to wait a half a mile longer. As I hit 5, I basically wanted to collapse. It was a pain so debilitating, I hobbled out of the gym, knowing I’d pushed myself too far this time.

The rest of my day went as follows. After consulting Dr. Google, I had come to the conclusion that I pulled my ACL, had tendinitis, runner’s knee, jumper’s knee, shin splints, was going to have to have surgery, and would never run again. For future reference, I plead to you – don’t ever go to Google for medical advice. You’ll convince yourself of anything. After deciding my life as a runner was over in my head, I turned into a real jerk. I shut myself in my room, wallowed in self-pity, was rude to my mom and dad, and ignored phone calls from friends I knew were calling to encourage me. I was not only crippled physical, but I had been paralyzed mentally. I felt defeated, and to make matters worse I was mad about it, which in turn left me feeling selfish and shameful. My fear had completely overcome all of my faith. The next few hours were a battle of truths and lies.

“You’re never going to be able to run.”

“Trust me, Spenser”

“You’re going to get out of shape”

“My grace is sufficient for you, Spenser”

“You are weak now. You won’t be able to keep going”

“My power is made perfect in weakness”

“Better go ahead and cancel running that 5k with dad on Saturday”

“TRUST ME. I am with you. I will strengthen you”

And, that’s when it all hit me. I’d been putting my strength in myself! But, I was shown here that my own strength wasn’t really strength at all. I HAD to surrender it – I had to lay it down to Christ. Only then would I find rest in Him. I had to remind myself that running was great, fitness is great, but it is not where I place all my hope and confidence. It’s a gift that God has allowed me to do. To HIM be all the glory. It was just the perfect illustration that I couldn’t and wasn’t designed to rely on my own strength. I would need the strength of someone so much greater. It was also a reminder to listen to truth – to choose to believe that God’s truths are more than our feelings and our fears. Moving beyond believing in God to believing God by relying on His Words. It is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment decision to let God’s perspective redefine our own with each doubt we face.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

In case you are wondering, I woke up preparing myself to be disappointed because I would not be able to run. After using a foam roller, I ended up having a great workout by ellipticaling, cycling, and weight training. As I walked out of the gym, I realized that the pain in my right leg had subsided. Sitting here writing this now I can say that ALL pain is gone in my leg… completely. We serve an amazing God. I’m blown away, but how could I expect anything different? The same God that can move mountains, that holds the world in His hands, can do ANYTHING else. And we, you and I, IF you are a follower of Christ Jesus are strengthened with this incredible power. Because of this, we can do ALL things in Christ (Philippians 4:13).

“But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.” Hebrews 10:39

Be encouraged today! You are a child of God, and He has equipped you to do all things! He will never leave us on our own!

This was not MY plan

I’m a huge fan of plans. I like to have them – I think they bring order to life. I have a plan every morning. My alarm goes off, I run between 5 and 10 miles, and I follow it with the same protein shake every morning – one banana, a scoop of protein, a cup of unsweetened almond milk, and a scoop of all natural peanut butter. I don’t like it when my plans change. I think that is why I am so hard on myself when I miss a morning run or eat something unhealthy. I KNOW that a piece of chocolate won’t kill me. I know that missing a day of running won’t either, but I always feel like I’ve let myself down.. like I’ve veered off the blueprint I've made for myself.

A couple weeks ago, ONE of my plans did not go as scheduled. As you know, I’m working towards my masters in nuke, and my thesis right now is looking at the pellet design of Ni-63 pellets that were irradiated in the HFIR. My job is to prove that due to neutron depletion, the ring pellets will produce just as much Nickel-63 as the solid pellets of Nickel-63 (if not more). Due to depletion, absorption, and the fact that I trust my mentor mostly, this should be expected. It’s been a long process for the start of this project, because it is not a simple task to get something into the HFIR. They take things pretty seriously out there when you’re trying to irradiate isotopes.

I haven’t seen the numbers yet, but someone I work with out at the lab crunched the numbers for me. I sat down last Tuesday with my mentor who is funding the project, and he said “Well, we have some interesting news. The results aren’t what we expected at all. In fact, they are exactly the opposite.” He was laughing as he said it, assuring me it would work out either way. I have yet to calculate it myself, so it could just be a math error, but I had about a million thoughts running through my head. This is what my whole thesis is based around. NOW WHAT? What would I even prove? How was I supposed to formulate a thesis on something that didn’t back up what I was trying to prove? My mentor was laughing about it, and the professor who funds my work at school was telling me how awesome it was.. Awesome that science does exactly what we don’t expect. My mentor said something funny to me though that stuck with me. “This is great. This is exactly what nature does – it is the unknown, and it has a funny way of giving us exactly what we don’t (and CAN’T) explain or plan for.”

Of course, I knew differently. It wasn't nature. It was God. Isn't that the truth though? We follow all these plans - we have our lives planned out, thinking that we have this great idea of what our lives should look like. Today, as I sit here, I think about where I'm at in my life right now. This was NOT in my plan. Who I am today is NOT who I'd planned to be. A year ago, I'd planned on being in graduate school, being engaged by now, and standing on a mountain of false hopes and dreams. I planned on being wealthy, successful, powerful, and having all the "things" to accompany this identity. Everything would look good from the outside. I would do what I had to do to achieve success. My foundation was surely built on the sand, not the rock.

"But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:26-27

And boy did it ever come crashing down. And that was not my plan; that was part of a much greater plan - a plan of a God who was not going to let me live life just simply "happy". A plan of a God who was going to really take me through some challenging and examining times in order to find true joy in Him. So, here I am. And it's still NOT my plan. I sit here and wonder what I am doing right now. I have never been more confused about my calling in life, and yet SO completely at peace with that at the same time. I had always thought I'd be a nuclear engineer and that was it. I can see now that it's not really up to me, and I'm OK with that. I have absolutely no idea where or how God is going to use me. Maybe I'm called to open a bakery (OK, maybe I just threw that in there because that would be AMAZING), or maybe I am called in the nuclear medicine field. The only thing I know is that where I am right now is where God has me, and I don't have to strive so hard to follow all these plans that I make for myself, and neither do you! We are FREE from the pressure of plans. That doesn't mean I don't need to stay dedicated and give my work all that I can. I love what I do, and I will continue to give it all I have. It does mean though that God has got it. God is the ultimate planner, and He already has a plan for my life, and for yours! I love it when I think I have it all together, and God changes the plans in my life - it is a reminder that I can let it go, and give it to Him. Thinking back to all my mistakes, all my dumb choices, and all the "bad" things in the past couple years, I love knowing that it was all part of a a greater plan - a plan to bring glory to Him :)

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and he delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.” Psalm 37:23-24

When the going gets tough, the tough go running

I’m a runner… in more ways than one; not just physically, but in my spiritual life as well. I blame this partly on the fact that I’m an extreme optimist. I see the good in people, in life, and I don’t like to think about the hard times, so I’d rather just run away from them. This is where I have been deceived. I have grown up thinking that life is one big carnival ride, filled with popcorn, amusement, laughter, and fun. And I still do! I love life! I think it is fun, and I greet pretty much every day like it's Disney World. However, I remember something I told someone in 7th grade about the Christian life. She was my best friend and my neighbor and I remember sitting her down and telling her about Christ. This is great, but I remember telling her these exact words. “Accept Christ as your Savior and life will be awesome from here on out. Everything will just work out!”

YES. Ok, I must admit.. I STILL believe this.. but in a different way. Do I think that my life has been amazingly changed by Jesus Christ? Absolutely. Do I think that He fills me with an unending supply of joy? Of course I do! How could I not? CHRIST picked me, loves me, and saved me from hell? How could I not be completely pumped about that every moment of every day??!

"You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. "John 15:16

However, is life going to be amazingly perfect all the time? I’d like to think so sometimes, but unfortunately it isn’t! This is where I must stop and defend my basis for this thought. In growing up, I’ve been completely blessed in pretty much every aspect of my life. My dad had this joke growing up that God dubbed our family one of His favorites ( I still think this, by the way :) ). But, growing up, and ESPECIALLY through college, I really started to expect good things to happen to me. I expected to get my degree in nuclear engineering, I expected to get a job at the lab, I expected to get money from my parents ever month, I expected people to do things for me, I expected a luxury car, I expected for good things to work out for me in every way. I had a sense of entitlement, which I carried into my Spritiaul walk as well. I expected things from God. I expected peace of mine, no trials, no discomfort, no pain. I expected Him to provide me with all the things in life I needed AND wanted. I expected Him to fix things when they didn’t work out, and I expected Him to do that without me really having to put a whole lot of work in. This is where I had been deceived. I realized two things that are true that completely contradict my old way of thinking.

1. We as Christians are not going to have it easy 100% of the time, nor are we SUPPOSED TO. In fact, it is the opposite. We are not called to a life of ease and comfort. 1 Peter is a great illustration of this

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." 1 Peter 1:6-8

2. We have got to rise up and do some of the work. I’m reading a book right now called “The Christian Solider”. It was written in 1978 by a cardiologist who surrendered his life to Christ (I kind of obsess over people like this because I so relate to the science mind and it always excites me when I hear of scientists and doctors who also believe in God). The whole book is based on Ephesians 6:10 and putting on the armor of God.

“Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.” Ephesians 6:10

Ephesians 6:10 is then followed with our struggle against the powers of darkness and how we MUST put on the armor of God. This is something I never understood until recently. I’d always had this mentality of “Let go and let God” and “Just hand it over to God”. WHAT?? NO! We must fight! This is a fight! Again, I parallel this to physical fitness, in particular running. Sometimes, I really don’t want to do it. I have days that I am just lazy. Am I going to get the results and endurance and distance I want by just sitting back and watching the treadmill? Heck no! Let me interrupt for a second. The good news is if you are in Christ Jesus, the battle is won. And yes, God does handle our problems, but WE also are called to action. We must put on the armor of God daily, because we must be ready to fight the devil’s schemes and lies. In the book, the author talks about how Ephesians 6:10 is a perfect blend of Christ’s power and our activity. The two are coupled together. THROUGH Christ’s power, we are to be strong. Hebrews 2:18 also displays the combination of the two.

“Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” Hebrews 2:18

He doesn’t take the battle. Rather he helps them through the battle, having gone through all of this Himself. Likewise,

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26

Here, we see the same idea. We do not “hand it over”, nor do we just sit silent. The Spirit helps us. Picture yourself trying to carry something really heavy, and staggering. The Spirit comes and He takes up the other end and together we carry it. He carries the burden with us.

That is why it is SO important to put on the armor. I myself have got to get out of this mindset that I can just sit back and watch and just go through this life without action. I must be ready for every temptation that comes my way, so that I can stand my ground and fight. When Satan attacks me with issues of anxieties, and weight, and image, and about a million other things that weigh me down, I WILL stand firm. I will make sure to wear the belt of truth to combat satan’s lies. I will wear the breastplate of righteousness. I will have ready feet. I will have the shield of faith. I will wear the helmet of salvation, and carry the sword of the Spirit. With these things, I can do ALL. Why? Because WITH Christ Jesus, we have power. Is that not the coolest thing you’ve heard all day??!! I hope today you are strengthened by the Power of HIS might ! :)

FEAR (and a little fitness)

This past week and weekend was marked by two occurrences that I think need to be addressed, and it’s the topic of fear. Of course, I managed to sneak fitness into this blog post too because I wouldn’t be me without somehow including one of my favorite topics!

The first thing happened to me driving home from coffee with my friends on Friday afternoon. I always find God’s timing unexplainably perfect. I’d been worrying so much last week with thinking on all the “what if’s” of life again and being consumed with an unknown future. I was supposed to meet my friends at Panera at 4 o’clock, but stopped by my friend Chelsea’s apartment for a few minutes after teaching lab. For as OCD as I am, I am also extremely scatter-brained. Of course, I left my purse at her place, which had my wallet and phone charger in it. I was almost to Panera already and too lazy to go back, so I just decided to stick it out, knowing that one of my friends wouldn’t mind buying me my coffee. While at Panera, I also noticed my service on my Iphone mysteriously shut off. It kept saying it was searching for signal. I mention this because it was such a strange thing to happen, due to the fact I never have issues with it. I ALWAYS have service and never have problems getting in contact with people. I figured I'd just worry about it when I got home.

Leaving Panera, I sort of felt kind of jittery and dizzy. I assume it was probably the coffee I’d inhaled, and set on my journey from Knoxville back to my house in Oak Ridge. This is where it gets weird. Reaching the West Town exit, I started to feel VERY odd. I couldn’t swallow and my hands had gone completely numb. I knew what was happening, because it’s happened to me one other time in my whole life. I was having a panic attack. In saying this, I must mention my dad always gives me a hard time when I bring up panic attacks and anxiety, because he says they are just feelings of nervousness. My dad is right, but for those who have ever had a panic attack, they are very real and VERY scary. I reached for my phone to call my mom, but my phone refused to let me dial out. Panic set in. I couldn't reach anyone to calm me down. My next thought was that I would just get off at the next exit and get a drink or something to eat. I then realized I didn’t have my wallet. This is really where complete fear set in. Completely paralyzed now, I was having a full blown panic attack. I was moments away from pulling over on the side of the road at this point, because for those who DON’T know, a panic attack kind of feels like you’re going to die. They are completely harmless, but in the moment, you are stripped of all comfort and relief.

In that moment, I really had absolutely nothing. I had no one to call, no one to talk to, no wallet, and at this point I’d passed all exits. I felt completely powerless and abandoned. There was absolutely nothing I could do but cry out to God. When I had my first panic attack last spring break (which stemmed from some poor life choices I'd made and God "waking" me up), I struggled a lot the following months after with anxiety and fear. My mom was great through the whole thing, and would always tell me that there were moments in her life where she would have to speak Scripture outloud to herself to combat the enemy's lies. She also spoke of moments at red lights where she would flip open her Bible and begin reading. I never really understood this concept and the importance of Scripture memorization until a couple months ago, and got to see it in action first-hand on Friday. What happened next was pretty amazing. I started speaking every Scripture I’d ever memorized out loud, and refuting the enemy, the fear, the panic, and the anxiety.

In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Psalms 86:7

Literally said it over and over and over in the next few moments. Also had a scripture on my dashboard that says "...But we have the mind of Christ" (1 Corinthians 2:16). I began reciting anything I could think of out loud. And just like that, all feelings of panic were gone. It was amazing. Literally, within moments of crying out to Christ and reciting His promises, all the scary feelings were completely stripped from me. It was an amazing picture of Jesus in Mark amongst the disciples. Jesus took my fear away in moments. It was awesome timing. All of my little comforts that I have in my everyday life were taken from me in that drive home, and I had no choice but to cry out to Him.

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39

The next thing that happened was something I was struggling with yesterday. I never like to give the enemy a lot of credit, because being a child of Christ, satan has absolutely no authority over me. He does however know where our fears are and will do ANYTHING to target those. I love working out and eating healthy, but unfortunately I used to hold a lot of my identity in my body. I still struggle with constant fear of losing what I work so hard for. I still have to work through not beating myself up whenever I eat something that I have dubbed “bad”. Well, yesterday I ended up caving and eating a lot of junk. I rarely eat sweets, but when I do… It’s not just an oreo or two. When I woke up this morning, I was overwhelmed. I felt like I’d ruined all of my progress because I’d failed. I was overwhelmed with fear that I wouldn’t be able to run or eat healthy again, because I’d sabatoged myself the day before. It sounds ridiculous, but like I say, the enemy knows where we struggle in our flesh. Again, I found myself having to speak Truth to myself. Fear is not from Christ. I’ve quoted it before, but I think it’s so important to know:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

As I found myself running this morning, I literally had to think on this verse the whole time, among the well-known “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phillipians 4:13). And just like that, I found myself finishing 7 miles this morning – I haven’t run like that since I was in high school! It was another good reminder how gracious and giving our God is, and how we must always be on our guard against the enemy. I never understood the importance of Scripture memorization, but that is seriously our WEAPON against satan and his lies. All the fear that satan tries to give us can be combated with Truth from a much bigger God.. What an awesome thing! We no longer have to live captive to fear – we have been set free. Sorry for the long post. I hope it encouraged you today. :)