Bringing a cliche to life

Philippians 4:13. If you know even the smallest bit about the Bible, you've probably heard this. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" or maybe you've heard it, "In Christ, ALL things are possible". In fact, you've probably seen it plastered on every girl's Facebook status the night before a big exam or a race. Guilty. If I'm honest with you, for the longest time, I had a personal vendetta with this verse, but ONLY because I've seen it so much.... to me, it just became words.. Something I would write on a test to make myself feel better.  It was only recently that this verse really came alive to me.

Your mind is a battlefield when you sit and write all day, with no human interaction at all. WAY too much time to reflect. However, I have been blessed to also see the things that the Lord has made me capable of doing over the past year. A year ago, I remember staring at this

and wondering, "How in the hell am I ever going to make it?" See let me tell you something about myself. I can be the most doubtful, questioning, needy, fearful, insecure, worriesome person I know. I have always felt I NEEDED someone to accomplish something- that I was incapable of doing things on my own. I think that some of my favorite catch lines are "I can't", "I won't", "not this enough", "not that enough". I've always looked at things as impossible. More than a year ago, I just knew I wasn't going to make it through graduate school. I just knew it was going to be impossible. I could relate this to every other area of my life. Really. I'm sure you could too. Any goal, ambition, etc.

Impossible. Impossible is, I've learned, a state of mind. There is nothing impossible. "Through Christ ALL things are possible". Read that again. I recently heard my pastor say something that stuck with me. He said "All of the Bibles greatest stories do not come from improbable situations, but impossible ones".

I know your next thought. These things I described to you earlier about my life are not IMPOSSIBLE situations. I live an easy life. I wake up today with the option to choose what to eat for breakfast. I wake up not fighting a life-threatening disease and able to walk. I have the opportunity to do very cool (but time-consuming) research and I come home to a mom who has most likely prepared a Paleo friendly dinner to accommodate my lifestyle. Truthfully, I don't know what impossible is. However, I have seen it.

I have seen broken marriages with no hope restored. I have seen my dad being 1 out of a group of 13 soldiers infected by Hepatitis C, healed completely. I have seen impossible, and I have seen it conquered. But how? Read the verse again. "I can do all things..." But there's more! "...through Christ" and more "...who strengthens me"  My dad is one of the strongest people I know.. mentally, physically, spiritually, you name it. He treats everything in life as a challenge. I don't think I've ever met anyone else who says they welcome trials and tribulations, because it provides perseverance and hope. As Christians, we are called to rejoicing in these things, but if we are all honest nobody ENJOYS trials. But referring back, it wasn't my dad's OWN strength that got him through that. He will often tell me it is because he knows he is God's favorite, and I have to laugh at that. I'm not sure God's favorite gets kicked off the Church basketball team for not playing nicely. But, I know better. "Through Christ ALL things are possible". We say it so readily, but how often do we REALLY believe it? The Lord uses impossible situations to show His power and His omniscience. Because it is in these times that we can't rely on US. There is only ONE who flips the circumstances. 

All that to say, as I wrap up my master's degree (God willing I don't blow my defense) and enter the next chapter of my life, I can be confident of all the possibilities that this new perspective opens my eyes to. I will tell you that it was not my own wisdom that has gotten me through school - heck, I STILL can't figure out that equation above. But, I do know, that the Lord takes things you deem impossible and proves otherwise. Life is too short for impossibilities, cant's, and wont's. I'm not sure what impossibility you may be facing today, but I do know that with Christ, it is possible to defeat. :)

"O my soul, march on in strength." Judges 5:21b

Breaking up is hard to do

Hmmm... breakups. Those aren't fun.

I’ve had my share of self-inflicted heartache, but I think one of the most challenging breakups I’ve experienced is the one with myself. That sounds silly, yeah? But the truth is, I’m STILL breaking up with myself.. everyday, every hour, every minute.

I look at my life NOW and look at my life a couple years back. I don’t know that girl anymore. That person is dead to me. When I accepted Christ as my Savior, I broke up with that person. Christ entered in, and the rest is history.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

Ever so often though, I feel like I receive the phone call from that past relationship. And rather than ignoring the call, I choose to pick up and listen. I listen to the lies that tell me I am unworthy, and that I will never be good enough.

Sometimes my “ex” taunts me. How could you possibly impact other people with your past? lies. I don't know, I do research with isotopes. I'm just some nerd who occasionally throws some baking into the mix. What in the heck does that have to do with the Kingdom of God, yeah? More lies! And I can choose to sit and listen and entertain these lies OR I can hand them over the Jesus. I choose the second option!

I say all this to say that I don’t think that breaking up to yourself is necessarily a bad thing! Painful? Hard? Absolutely! But, in fact, I think breaking up to yourself is quite the contrary of bad. I think it is an AMAZINGLY, wonderful, extraordinary, awesome thing. Call it what you will – breaking up to self, dying to self. Sometimes I read my old journal entries just to see where God had me over the past few months. It makes me laugh.. in a good way! Breaking up to self is an everyday process. We must die to our former “me’s” daily. I read these:

5/3/2012: “Lead me where you want. Use me as You will. Let me nail my anxieties, fears, doubts, body image issues, jealousy, and pride to the Cross. Renew me God.

5/15/2012: “Lord, this verse is perfect for me today. I must deny myself.. Let me lay down this sin, idol, and struggle that I am having with myself..”

6/7/2012: “Jesus, break all my chains – Show me my sin and what needs stripped away.”

9/14/2012: "I know I am being called to surrender... something I've never been good at. I love control... Lord, take control and direct my life"

Pretty much every day’s entries have some sort of cry out along those lines. But the point I'm getting at here is WHAT IF something we see as truly heartbreaking and tough is actually super awesome and what we are called to do? And it is!

I truly must break up with me everyday! And it’s hard. Breakups are painful and uncomfortable and just complicated, and there's just a whole lot of things attached! Heck, I've been "dating" me for 23 years! But OH the beauty that comes with dying to that self. I read a lot of things on this whole “dying to self” thing because it is a concept that really intrigues me. I think it is because it is so supernatural. When I think about my past and the Spenser I used to know, there is no DOUBT in my mind that it is only by the Power of Christ that I am the person I am today. I so often hear of people that want proof for Jesus and the Bible, and while those are all great concepts to explore, I don't need that physical proof to see. I know by the change that Christ did in me how real it is.

One of my favorite quotes from another blog I’ve read on dying to self is written beaytifully and it says this:

“It’s been with some amount of surprise, then, that I’ve begun to see that the process of dying to self is a process of stripping away layers of sin encrusted with selfishness, and that glowing underneath all those layers is the true, complete version of who I was designed to be — the real me.”

How TRUE is that though? And how scary is that? I think that’s why I so often struggle with this breakup process. I see the person I am now, and I think ... "WAIT, this isn’t the person that I’ve tried to be for 23 years." (Notice my key word there… TRIED). With my new self, I don’t have to TRY. I just AM. I don’t have to be somebody. I am Spenser, new creation in Christ! And the exciting thing? The new ME is constantly, every moment just continuing to be refined to be more like Christ! Every moment I am awake, I am being transformed to be more like Jesus.

“For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son..” Romans 8:29

But, I have to remind myself that I have to keep breaking up with myself. I have to crucify all my old wants, desires, lusts, sins, and plans and hand them over to Jesus. He is the perfecter and He will continue to do a work! 

I am free… and so are you!

Did you know that the moment that we make the choice to put our life in Jesus’ hands, we are free forever? We are free from our sins – we no longer live as prisoners to the things of this world.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36)

I think so often we forget such a simple concept and try to complicate things. If you are in Christ, you are a new creation and You are free. Bottom line. The moment you decide to trust Jesus, He sets you free – free from past decisions, present mistakes, and even future ones too. I am free from the things of this world. I no longer live prisoner to all the things that I did before Christ chose to save me.

I struggled a lot with whether or not to write about this because who really wants to confess all the “junk” about themselves, but I think that so many people just need to hear it! I am hoping that I can remind you of the Truth that the Lord has so reminded me of, especially the past few days.

The Word tells us we are free, and if we BELIEVE that, I just want to know... WHY do we still live like prisoners so often? It’s like we just build a tent and camp out there, tied up to _______. Fill in the blank! For me that blank contained words like this: money, sex, power, success, image, alcohol, vanity, and the list just goes on. For you, it may look a little differently. Whatever fills that blank, it is sin. Sin that we do NOT have to gratify.

So here it is. I lived a life that chased and chased THINGS and yet could never find fulfillment. I was a slave to things like 600-dollar shoes, dreams of range rovers, long nights out, image...really anything that I could to suit me for that particular moment. No longer do I live in shame of these things, but I talk about them openly and victoriously! Why? Because I am FREE from them. They no longer hold me in captivity.

While extravagant clothes and crazy nights out seem to be very specific examples, it wasn’t really them that were the issue. It was just the things that the sin of my heart manifested itself through. My whole life was my image, my longing for fulfillment because I wasn’t depending on the Father to be satisfied with myself. As the Lord started to strip these particular things away, my strive for the perfect image just manifested it in something else in my life. That is the funny thing, isn’t it? Satan will lie to you in WHATEVER way or time of your life seems fit, even if the lies are completely contradictory to one another. In college, the lies sounded a whole lot like this:

“You are worth SO much. You deserve all this stuff – fancy cars, fancy clothes, fancy life….”

As those things began to fall away, the lies went from THAT to THIS:

“You aren’t worth enough! You need to do better. ”

And so that’s what I tried to do - be worthy. Same heart issue, different sin. And so began my struggle with body image, something that had never once been an issue in my life. You can imagine my confusion, but again, a matter of the heart. I think that it is so important to talk about because I see the struggle and strive to be thin and to be beautiful everywhere I go, especially in young women. Before I knew what was even happening to me, I realized that I was serving an idol in my life that came in the form of an eating disorder. A slave to counting calories, the scale, and a distorted view in the mirror of what beauty looked like. I felt defeated. I would cry out to the Lord: “Will I live my whole life constantly chasing a number on the scale?” (spoiler alert: The answer is NO!) Months and months I was a slave to numbers, restriction, excessive exercise, among other things in an attempt to find glory in WHAT I THOUGHT to be external beauty. But, then it hit me. Maybe I should rephrase that…… 

In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free. (Psalm 118:5)

That is when I heard the Lord LOUD and clear: “Spenser, you ARE free. You do not live in captivity to this any longer. I died for this. Stop building your tent here and living in it”. And that was it - I was free... and I was all along. And I am free today, always and forever. The Lord is so patient with me, and He has completely rewired me and taken my distorted view and replaced it with truth, from God's word of what beauty TRULY is. And while it is so absolutely wonderful to be healthy and to exercise (cough, Crossfit) , I know that true beauty is dependent on the woman that I am in Christ!

And so there you have it. I am free!

And SO ARE YOU if you trust in Jesus! And if you don't, well .. He is looking to free you too!  Don’t build your tent there in the struggle and camp out! Hand it over to the Lord, and remind yourself that anything you feel like you can’t escape from is exactly what Jesus died for! HE is capable! And HE has freed you.  And for that , we can forever be thankful! Happy day!

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. (Psalm 86:12-13)

What does the GOSPEL have to do with Crossfit??

I think Jesus is so cool. I know I say that a lot. But, He really DOES know us. He knows our wants, our desires, our likes, our dislikes, our everythings. What I really like is the way He speaks to us. He speaks to everyone differently, but He always speaks to me in ways that show just how intentional He is. He knows my mind. He knows the things that set off those “a-ha” moments in my head.

I overanalyze everything. Probably more than the average human being does. I think about things… a lot… too much… always. Never stopping. When I gave my life to Christ, I started thinking about things in a whole different way. It’s like God is constantly carrying on a conversation with me.  

I don’t need to restate it again, but everyone who knows me knows I love fitness. This is where that whole “God knows us so well” thing comes into play. He always allows me to relate His truths to OTHER things that I love in my life… One of those being Crossfit. I started going a couple months back. I think it’s safe to say it has become one of my favorite parts of my day! It has completely changed my outlook on fitness. It changed my view of what “fitness” looked like to one of distortion to one of clarity (hmmm… doesn’t that sound awfully familiar?)

So, on Wednesday the WOD (for all those who don’t speak Crossfit lingo, that’s code for Workout of the Day) included Wall Hand-Stand pushups. What does that look like you ask? Well, something like this:

This is my friend Sara  - one of the strongest woman I know… physically and mentally. She is what I like to call my encouragement at 6 AM! She pushes me and speaks truth into my mornings.  More importantly, her FAITH is undeniable. Where her foundation stands is apparent. I don’t even know much about her personal life, but it’s not hard to tell when someone is living for the Lord.

Before going into the WOD, Coach explained the movement. Now, I’m a go-getter. I like to give things my all. I knew when the movement was explained I could do this. HOWEVER, he explained, “form was most important”. And it is. Before being able to even ATTEMPT the push-up in this position, the foundation of the movement must be established. If this wasn’t established, then we were to to do an alternate movement called a “Wall walk-up”.

SCREW THAT. Over my dead body was I going to do the wall walk-ups. First of all, wall handstand push-ups looked WAY cooler, and second of all  “alternate” movement to me was code for “easy way out”.  I KNEW I could do the wall handstand pushups. For crying out loud, I did gymnastics when I was 7 years old. I could do a wall handstand push up....

Two rounds into these beasts it hit me….. I could NOT do a wall handstand push up. I could easily get INTO the position, but it required a bounce and a kick, and then I was kind of awkwardly stuck in this frozen movement upside down with jello arms. My foundation was not established. My core wasn’t tight, and I was not moving. The pushup wasn’t happening. “Man, did I look cool though??”

Simultaneously, I was really dealing with some things last week. Dealing with my self-worth, my identity, and who I was in Christ – Taking a good hard look at my past and letting the Lord strip me down of all the “stuff “ in my life. To be honest, all really good things, but I was just having a hard time working through it. I was getting super discouraged because I felt like I was failing in a lot of ways. That is when I was reminded of the Gospel, the VERY foundation of my Christian Faith. Jen Pinkner spent weeks going over it with me, and I never really understood why she continued to ask me week after week to repeat it to her.  One thing, in particular, she said:

“We must ALWAYS go back to the Gospel.” That was it! The Gospel IS OUR foundation. You must lay this foundation before going any further.

The GOSPEL.  Romans 3

The GOSPEL. We are all sinners, and have broken the law

The GOSPEL. Because of our sin we are separated from God

The GOSPEL. But JESUS bore our sins, died for US, and satisfied the law by dying on the Cross.

The GOSPEL. By placing our Faith in Jesus Christ, we are saved from the judgement of God. 

Without going back and reminding myself of the very foundation of my Faith (The Gospel) I will continue to set myself up for failure, trying to live by a law and standards of perfection. I must always have my foundation down pat. Should I still strive to uphold God’s law? Absolutely! But, without the constant understanding of the Gospel, I am “holding a hand-stand on a wall with jello arms”.  Without having my foundation down in ANY exercise movement, I will never get stronger. I may look awfully good doing it, but I will be making no progress. I think in the same way, the GOSPEL must ALWAYS be our foundation. We can never get stronger in Christ and in our Faith without always keeping our minds and hearts and thoughts on the Gospel. My Prayer for you today is that you will likewise be reminded of where your foundation lies, and speak the Truth of the Gospel! Peace and Love. :)

Being a captive to self !

I don't like these types of posts. I don't like to reveal how ugly my heart is. My week has been an interesting one... One filled with terrible relavations and hard lessons.

About Wednesday of this week, I felt deep conviction. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew it wasn't good. I felt super self focused and absorbed. Let me tell you a little bit of what that looks like for me. Typically, it begins as a GOOD thing.... Discipline to an exercise regimen, eating healthy, enjoying the sunshine and being tan. But, for me, I sometimes let these things take hold of me. I find my "self" rearing its ugly head. My "self" is something I kicked to the curb a long time ago - a person who chased money and power, and had dreams of living it big. I crucified that "self" when the Lord became my Savior, but that doesn't mean it always isn't trying its very best to take me back down memory lane.

In those moments, I find my focus taken off Christ and put on me. I find my capability to love others to be nearly impossible because I'm thinking only of me. "What can I do to make this better? What can I put on today to look better? What can I do to be more beautiful, smarter, more desirable ?"

Let me tell you when the issues arise. The issues begin when I go to MYSELF to ask and answer such questions, not God. This is what I want my life to look like:

"Jesus, how can I be more beautiful in YOUR eyes?"
"Jesus, how can I do better to glorify your name?"
"Lord, how can I make your name known today?"

When I try to answer questions like this according to myself and not Him, I am always a wreck. I am let down, broken, confused, disappointed, shamed, etc. And so that's where I am today. I'm so thankful for such a pursuing God, who just kept and continues to pull at my heart strings. Who continues to show me how much pain and unhappiness and shame comes through chasing self.

Self-forgetfulness ... Oh the freedom that comes with it... And JOY! My moments of greatest joy are The moments of just being... Not striving, trying, working on, working towards, etc. simply just resting in Him. So that is my Prayer for myself and for you today! Let us forget self and keep focuse on Him! :)



"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

God and my journey to satisfy the soul

It is obvious that we were intended for fulfillment. Take a look around – It’s obvious in our every thought and action throughout the day. We’re all chasing something, looking for something to live for, looking for something to be recognized for.

My journey as a Christian began at 12 years old. 12 years old is young, and being raised in a good home, I wasn’t really ever faced with any pressing temptations. I believed in Jesus, but I wasn’t really following Him – and I definitely know there is a difference.

My journey through high school and college consisted of a constant need for fulfillment – I wanted to be known for something. In high school, I wanted to be the good one. I wanted to be recognized for being upright, pure, and unblemished. But, it was never about Christ – it was always about myself. I wanted to make sure that I was the one that had it all together.

College was a different story. Because my foundation was not firm, I searched for fulfillment in a lot. Life wasn’t really about having this “good” front anymore. I looked for satisfaction in every aspect of my life. I wanted to be smartest one, and prove my intellect. I wanted to be the most beautiful one, the most desirable. I wanted to have the most expensive clothes, be the most fit, have the best this, the best that. I had to drive the luxury car and I was on a constant craving for attention. However, it was never enough for me. With every new purchase, each would eventually get old,  end up pushed in the back of my closet. The empty relationships were fun at first, but eventually they got old too. I would constantly find with each purchase, mistake or another night out on the town, I would wake up feeling just as empty as before. For me, this is what fulfillment looked like. 

But, think about it. Don’t we all have these longings? When we’re sad, we turn to things to fill us up, right? Whether it is excessive exercise, chocolate, another person, alcohol, addictions, we all look for something to satisfy the soul – to take away the pain. We’re all looking for something. Whether it be reassurance, a compliment, a relationship, we all just want to be filled. And the great thing is we were meant to be filled! We were created to need something!

I can confidently tell you that there is only ONE way to truly satisfy the soul’s longings. Am I saying that the things that I mentioned above are not good things? Absolutely not! I think education is good, as well as fitness, clothes, relationships, etc. But, I do know that there is only one thing that will give you that fulfillment you are looking for, and that is Jesus Christ.

“But, HOW DO YOU KNOW?” Trust me, I understand the frustration sometimes. I know that looking to something that you cannot see for that fulfillment can be difficult to grasp. However, all I have to do is look at the change that has taken place in my heart to know how REAL it really is. All I have to tell you is the peace and the joy and the satisfaction that comes from knowing Him.  Does this mean I never look at nice cars and clothes and things and not want that? Does this mean I don’t still have that urge for a relationship, marriage, and family? Heck no! BUT, it is knowing that in those things I will never find true and complete fulfillment. Those things will never provide to me my absolute satisfaction. There is only one thing in the world that can provide that, and that is Jesus Christ. If you haven’t made the step to let Him fill you up, I encourage you to take it today!

In Him, there is peace. There is no longer the need to continue to strive and accumulate, and gather, and try so hard, striving for things that will only continue to disappoint. And OH how tiring it gets! I know how tiring it is to constantly need to have more and more, or try harder and harder. The good news: Jesus is the only thing in my life that I have found that doesn’t grow old to me. He's the only thing that won't grow old after a week or two - He is constantly new and exciting and fulfilling and satisfying! Let Him be that for you too!