You are loved!

Yesterday I was a little more stressed than usual. I had a meeting with the lab about my funding, and a test on nuclear security at five. It really wasn't these things in particular that stressed me out, but more so the "unknown", which I think if we are honest, is the main thing that drives us all mad sometimes. I feel super selfish even telling you that these things stressed me out, because in the grand scheme of life, they are minor things. People face far greater difficulties, but I've told you before I'm a worrier so my little problems always leave me feeling like a big ball of emotions far too often. Before walking out of the house yesterday, I had Prayed that God would just really open my eyes to His presence around me and take away all my fears, doubts, anxieties, etc. I KNOW God is there, but sometimes I think I get stuck in just knowing God's presence, but never really believing it or opening my eyes to it.

As I walked out of the house to head to the lab, my dad was pulling into the driveway. I was kind of in a rush, but the next thing that happened is something that will be engrained in my memory for the rest of my life. For a moment, it felt like time completely stopped. My dad pulled me close and wrapped me in the biggest hug possible, and told me that I had favor with the Lord. Wrapped in a bear hug, he then placed one hand on my head and prayed, "In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and covered by the blood of the Lamb, please bless my daughter today and keep your hand over her. She has favor with you God." I don't think I have ever felt more loved in my entire 23 years of life. Even thinking about it now, it gives me the chills. Growing up, I have always been blessed with amazing, loving parents, who never go a day without showing me this love. But, yesterday, in that moment, I felt completely overwhelmed with love. Nothing yesterday could have shaken me from that moment, and in fact, nothing did. It was one of the best days I've had all year.

That was the first sign of God's presence, and it only continued from there. I kid you not - it seemed like every single second of yesterday, God showed me He was there. He showed me His presence, literally in everything. It was almost so mind-blowing to me that I texted my mom and said "Ok, things are really starting to get weird now." I felt so unworthy of the constant blessings and reminders God was showing me. But, thinking about it now, why? That is what God WANTS to do - He wants to show us His love, His blessings, His power, so that we may glorify Him in that.

Relating this all back to that special moment that I had with my dad, it reminded me just how deep Christ's love is for us, and how He longs to show us. That moment I had with my dad in my driveway... Christ is looking to give us those moments every hour of every day. Christ longs to give us those moments where we feel completely consumed and overwhelmed by His love - except God doesn't just want to make them moments in a driveway. God wants to give us those moments every hour of every day. Sometimes (at least for me), I just get so caught up in the business of life and things that I THINK are important, that I forget to look around and experience that love He is giving me, through EVERYTHING. Love that comes in the form of a song, or the sound of a bird, or the shining sun, or just through a conversation with a friend over dinner.

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17

I think in that moment with my own dad, it made me really feel special - it empowered me with strength. I felt unbeatable yesterday, as if no one or nothing could strip me of my joy. I don't know why I am surprised by this, because the Bible is FILLED with these promises of what God and His love do within us.

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:16-20

The best part is that Christ so longs to give us this love - each and every one of us. We are SO loved by a God that never stops. He never tires, he never complains when we mess up, he never holds grudges! He desires to fill us with a never-ending love. All you have to do is ask and look around - I can assure you that He is there! Just get ready, because I can assure you that His love is going to blow your mind.

A pickin' & Grinnin' way of life

How different my life looks today than it did a year ago. I started this year’s spring break in Knoxville waking up, having a long run, and praising God every moment of that day. I started last year’s spring break binge drinking on the beach and landing myself straight into the emergency room at the end of the week. It is not a story that I like to tell, but it has a GREAT ending (maybe I shouldn’t call it an ending, because the truth is, God has just begun and is still writing my story every day).

If you had introduced the ME today to the ME of last year, I probably wouldn’t have believed my eyes. In fact, if you knew me a year ago, you’d probably know what I’m talking about. I have been a Christian since I was in 7^th grade. However, if you knew me in college, you probably would have thought otherwise. I was way off, in every area of my life. I came to God when I wanted to, and my actions didn’t reflect those of a person who was serving Christ. Because of this, I didn’t make the right choices, and I didn’t know how to properly love people. I knew how to love people (when it benefited me) but I was so focused on myself and my own selfish ambitions, that nothing else seemed to matter. I was blinded, and my heart was ugly.

I chased money, success, power, attention, self-worth, and indulgence in basically every area of my life. However, we serve a relentless God, a God that is constantly pursuing us. I will forever think back on Spring break 2011 as one of those moments where God said, “Ok Spense, enough is enough.” God broke me in every way possible on that trip. I came back afraid, broken, damaged, etc. etc. That trip stripped me of everything that I had once held high, but in particular, my pride, my self-worth, and so many broken relationships.

This week has been a hard week for me. When I think about last year at this time, it sends me into a sense of panic. However, in hind-sight, it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. God’s hand was in all of it. God wasn’t going to let me go just to satisfy my own lustful desires. I am covered by the blood of Christ Jesus, and He wasn’t going to let me keep going through life missing out on all the things He had (HAS!) in store for me.

"But we ought always to thank God for you, brothers loved by the Lord, because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth." 2 Thessalonions 2:13

Seriously, is that not such a sweet promise? Read those words in bold again. “God chose you.” That’s what I love the most about my salvation and my transformation over the past year. It was never up to me; it was never my decision. God pursued me like a roaring lion. God pursued me and loved me so much that I never had a choice, and for THAT I am forever amazed and grateful. I sit here and laugh as I write this. I think about how much of my life I had planned out a year ago. I think about all the things I chased in this life. I think about how I had all these plans to fill my closet full of 700 dollar shoes and drive around in a blacked out Range Rover. I think about the type of man I had in my head that I would marry. I think about the vast emptiness of the life I had planned for me, and how God had so much more in store.

I spent my Tuesday night of this week at a bluegrass get-together in an old school-house in Roane Co. called "Pickin' & Grinnin'" where almost every person present was over the age of 70. As I sat and listened to them pick away on guitars and banjos, I looked around at all the smiling faces around me. Again, I laugh. The “me” a year ago wouldn’t have ever imagined I’d be spending my spring break night sitting in Roane County amongst the elderly. But, as I sat there, taking in all the sights and sounds, I realized that this was what life was about – these moments, these people, these relationships. Laughing and talking with friends, and listening to bluegrass, and most importantly finding myself and fulfillment in a faithful God. I was stunned by His presence and His hand over my life. I wish I could fully explain to you just how I feel, captivated by God and His presence. As I continued to listen, I began to think about last year and how different I was. I think about how much God has transformed my heart. Then,, as I sat, deep in thought, my wandering mind was interrupted by the lyrics of the song the band had begun to play. I listened to the lyrics of the song. It went like this:

“A brand new heart. He gave me a brand new mind, a brand new heart”

And again, God was there. This is no coincidence. These things happen to me ALL the time now. I had no idea the life I was missing out on before. It seems like everyday God is allowing me to experience more of Him. I am even overwhelmed sometimes at the little things He shows me, and all the blessings He showers on me. I now have the capability to love people, REALLY love people, not just for my own satisfaction. God continues to open my eyes to all the gifts He has given me. I used to despise running. And if you knew me in college, I didn’t know the first thing about baking or cooking. I find it to be no coincidence that God has allowed me to find such joy in these things. IN fact, His Word promises us that.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world” Ephesians 1:3-4

Yall, Christ Jesus change my life. He changed my heart, my mind, and I will never be the same. Let Him do the same for you.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

When the going gets tough, the tough go running

I’m a runner… in more ways than one; not just physically, but in my spiritual life as well. I blame this partly on the fact that I’m an extreme optimist. I see the good in people, in life, and I don’t like to think about the hard times, so I’d rather just run away from them. This is where I have been deceived. I have grown up thinking that life is one big carnival ride, filled with popcorn, amusement, laughter, and fun. And I still do! I love life! I think it is fun, and I greet pretty much every day like it's Disney World. However, I remember something I told someone in 7th grade about the Christian life. She was my best friend and my neighbor and I remember sitting her down and telling her about Christ. This is great, but I remember telling her these exact words. “Accept Christ as your Savior and life will be awesome from here on out. Everything will just work out!”

YES. Ok, I must admit.. I STILL believe this.. but in a different way. Do I think that my life has been amazingly changed by Jesus Christ? Absolutely. Do I think that He fills me with an unending supply of joy? Of course I do! How could I not? CHRIST picked me, loves me, and saved me from hell? How could I not be completely pumped about that every moment of every day??!

"You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. "John 15:16

However, is life going to be amazingly perfect all the time? I’d like to think so sometimes, but unfortunately it isn’t! This is where I must stop and defend my basis for this thought. In growing up, I’ve been completely blessed in pretty much every aspect of my life. My dad had this joke growing up that God dubbed our family one of His favorites ( I still think this, by the way :) ). But, growing up, and ESPECIALLY through college, I really started to expect good things to happen to me. I expected to get my degree in nuclear engineering, I expected to get a job at the lab, I expected to get money from my parents ever month, I expected people to do things for me, I expected a luxury car, I expected for good things to work out for me in every way. I had a sense of entitlement, which I carried into my Spritiaul walk as well. I expected things from God. I expected peace of mine, no trials, no discomfort, no pain. I expected Him to provide me with all the things in life I needed AND wanted. I expected Him to fix things when they didn’t work out, and I expected Him to do that without me really having to put a whole lot of work in. This is where I had been deceived. I realized two things that are true that completely contradict my old way of thinking.

1. We as Christians are not going to have it easy 100% of the time, nor are we SUPPOSED TO. In fact, it is the opposite. We are not called to a life of ease and comfort. 1 Peter is a great illustration of this

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." 1 Peter 1:6-8

2. We have got to rise up and do some of the work. I’m reading a book right now called “The Christian Solider”. It was written in 1978 by a cardiologist who surrendered his life to Christ (I kind of obsess over people like this because I so relate to the science mind and it always excites me when I hear of scientists and doctors who also believe in God). The whole book is based on Ephesians 6:10 and putting on the armor of God.

“Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.” Ephesians 6:10

Ephesians 6:10 is then followed with our struggle against the powers of darkness and how we MUST put on the armor of God. This is something I never understood until recently. I’d always had this mentality of “Let go and let God” and “Just hand it over to God”. WHAT?? NO! We must fight! This is a fight! Again, I parallel this to physical fitness, in particular running. Sometimes, I really don’t want to do it. I have days that I am just lazy. Am I going to get the results and endurance and distance I want by just sitting back and watching the treadmill? Heck no! Let me interrupt for a second. The good news is if you are in Christ Jesus, the battle is won. And yes, God does handle our problems, but WE also are called to action. We must put on the armor of God daily, because we must be ready to fight the devil’s schemes and lies. In the book, the author talks about how Ephesians 6:10 is a perfect blend of Christ’s power and our activity. The two are coupled together. THROUGH Christ’s power, we are to be strong. Hebrews 2:18 also displays the combination of the two.

“Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” Hebrews 2:18

He doesn’t take the battle. Rather he helps them through the battle, having gone through all of this Himself. Likewise,

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26

Here, we see the same idea. We do not “hand it over”, nor do we just sit silent. The Spirit helps us. Picture yourself trying to carry something really heavy, and staggering. The Spirit comes and He takes up the other end and together we carry it. He carries the burden with us.

That is why it is SO important to put on the armor. I myself have got to get out of this mindset that I can just sit back and watch and just go through this life without action. I must be ready for every temptation that comes my way, so that I can stand my ground and fight. When Satan attacks me with issues of anxieties, and weight, and image, and about a million other things that weigh me down, I WILL stand firm. I will make sure to wear the belt of truth to combat satan’s lies. I will wear the breastplate of righteousness. I will have ready feet. I will have the shield of faith. I will wear the helmet of salvation, and carry the sword of the Spirit. With these things, I can do ALL. Why? Because WITH Christ Jesus, we have power. Is that not the coolest thing you’ve heard all day??!! I hope today you are strengthened by the Power of HIS might ! :)

FEAR (and a little fitness)

This past week and weekend was marked by two occurrences that I think need to be addressed, and it’s the topic of fear. Of course, I managed to sneak fitness into this blog post too because I wouldn’t be me without somehow including one of my favorite topics!

The first thing happened to me driving home from coffee with my friends on Friday afternoon. I always find God’s timing unexplainably perfect. I’d been worrying so much last week with thinking on all the “what if’s” of life again and being consumed with an unknown future. I was supposed to meet my friends at Panera at 4 o’clock, but stopped by my friend Chelsea’s apartment for a few minutes after teaching lab. For as OCD as I am, I am also extremely scatter-brained. Of course, I left my purse at her place, which had my wallet and phone charger in it. I was almost to Panera already and too lazy to go back, so I just decided to stick it out, knowing that one of my friends wouldn’t mind buying me my coffee. While at Panera, I also noticed my service on my Iphone mysteriously shut off. It kept saying it was searching for signal. I mention this because it was such a strange thing to happen, due to the fact I never have issues with it. I ALWAYS have service and never have problems getting in contact with people. I figured I'd just worry about it when I got home.

Leaving Panera, I sort of felt kind of jittery and dizzy. I assume it was probably the coffee I’d inhaled, and set on my journey from Knoxville back to my house in Oak Ridge. This is where it gets weird. Reaching the West Town exit, I started to feel VERY odd. I couldn’t swallow and my hands had gone completely numb. I knew what was happening, because it’s happened to me one other time in my whole life. I was having a panic attack. In saying this, I must mention my dad always gives me a hard time when I bring up panic attacks and anxiety, because he says they are just feelings of nervousness. My dad is right, but for those who have ever had a panic attack, they are very real and VERY scary. I reached for my phone to call my mom, but my phone refused to let me dial out. Panic set in. I couldn't reach anyone to calm me down. My next thought was that I would just get off at the next exit and get a drink or something to eat. I then realized I didn’t have my wallet. This is really where complete fear set in. Completely paralyzed now, I was having a full blown panic attack. I was moments away from pulling over on the side of the road at this point, because for those who DON’T know, a panic attack kind of feels like you’re going to die. They are completely harmless, but in the moment, you are stripped of all comfort and relief.

In that moment, I really had absolutely nothing. I had no one to call, no one to talk to, no wallet, and at this point I’d passed all exits. I felt completely powerless and abandoned. There was absolutely nothing I could do but cry out to God. When I had my first panic attack last spring break (which stemmed from some poor life choices I'd made and God "waking" me up), I struggled a lot the following months after with anxiety and fear. My mom was great through the whole thing, and would always tell me that there were moments in her life where she would have to speak Scripture outloud to herself to combat the enemy's lies. She also spoke of moments at red lights where she would flip open her Bible and begin reading. I never really understood this concept and the importance of Scripture memorization until a couple months ago, and got to see it in action first-hand on Friday. What happened next was pretty amazing. I started speaking every Scripture I’d ever memorized out loud, and refuting the enemy, the fear, the panic, and the anxiety.

In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Psalms 86:7

Literally said it over and over and over in the next few moments. Also had a scripture on my dashboard that says "...But we have the mind of Christ" (1 Corinthians 2:16). I began reciting anything I could think of out loud. And just like that, all feelings of panic were gone. It was amazing. Literally, within moments of crying out to Christ and reciting His promises, all the scary feelings were completely stripped from me. It was an amazing picture of Jesus in Mark amongst the disciples. Jesus took my fear away in moments. It was awesome timing. All of my little comforts that I have in my everyday life were taken from me in that drive home, and I had no choice but to cry out to Him.

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39

The next thing that happened was something I was struggling with yesterday. I never like to give the enemy a lot of credit, because being a child of Christ, satan has absolutely no authority over me. He does however know where our fears are and will do ANYTHING to target those. I love working out and eating healthy, but unfortunately I used to hold a lot of my identity in my body. I still struggle with constant fear of losing what I work so hard for. I still have to work through not beating myself up whenever I eat something that I have dubbed “bad”. Well, yesterday I ended up caving and eating a lot of junk. I rarely eat sweets, but when I do… It’s not just an oreo or two. When I woke up this morning, I was overwhelmed. I felt like I’d ruined all of my progress because I’d failed. I was overwhelmed with fear that I wouldn’t be able to run or eat healthy again, because I’d sabatoged myself the day before. It sounds ridiculous, but like I say, the enemy knows where we struggle in our flesh. Again, I found myself having to speak Truth to myself. Fear is not from Christ. I’ve quoted it before, but I think it’s so important to know:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

As I found myself running this morning, I literally had to think on this verse the whole time, among the well-known “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phillipians 4:13). And just like that, I found myself finishing 7 miles this morning – I haven’t run like that since I was in high school! It was another good reminder how gracious and giving our God is, and how we must always be on our guard against the enemy. I never understood the importance of Scripture memorization, but that is seriously our WEAPON against satan and his lies. All the fear that satan tries to give us can be combated with Truth from a much bigger God.. What an awesome thing! We no longer have to live captive to fear – we have been set free. Sorry for the long post. I hope it encouraged you today. :)