A runner's nightmare

I had a completely different blog written out two days ago. Then, something happened yesterday that I feel needs to be addressed. It’s amazing to me the ways God reveals lessons to me through the things of importance in my life. He does this because he KNOWS us – He knows our hearts, our struggles, our thoughts. I am blown away by His complexity.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.” Psalm 139:19

If you haven’t already put two and two together, I’m a huge psycho about fitness and nutrition - More so about fitness. I am human, and I do enjoy a HUGE bowl of puppy chow every now and then (you know, those DELICIOUS SUPER HEALTHY chex mix pieces covered in peanut-butter, chocolate, and powdered sugar). With fitness, however, I sometimes push myself way too hard. My 7-mile day runs can generally turn into 9-mile runs, despite the fact my legs are exhausted from the day before. And skipping a day? NO WAY. In fact, if you’ve been around me on a day I have missed a run, you may see a completely different side of me. It affects me.. way more than it should.

I am generally tired on my Wednesday morning runs because Monday is typically a 10 or 11 miler, and Tuesday may be a 5 or a 6. The normal person would tell you to take Wednesday as a rest day, but I’m stubborn and that just doesn’t work for me. Yesterday, I was tired. I was definitely not going to make it to 6, so 5 would have to cut it. About 4.5 miles, I felt a pain in my leg. Unfortunately, I kind of live by that “no pain, no gain” saying in athletics (thanks to my dad) so the pain would just have to wait a half a mile longer. As I hit 5, I basically wanted to collapse. It was a pain so debilitating, I hobbled out of the gym, knowing I’d pushed myself too far this time.

The rest of my day went as follows. After consulting Dr. Google, I had come to the conclusion that I pulled my ACL, had tendinitis, runner’s knee, jumper’s knee, shin splints, was going to have to have surgery, and would never run again. For future reference, I plead to you – don’t ever go to Google for medical advice. You’ll convince yourself of anything. After deciding my life as a runner was over in my head, I turned into a real jerk. I shut myself in my room, wallowed in self-pity, was rude to my mom and dad, and ignored phone calls from friends I knew were calling to encourage me. I was not only crippled physical, but I had been paralyzed mentally. I felt defeated, and to make matters worse I was mad about it, which in turn left me feeling selfish and shameful. My fear had completely overcome all of my faith. The next few hours were a battle of truths and lies.

“You’re never going to be able to run.”

“Trust me, Spenser”

“You’re going to get out of shape”

“My grace is sufficient for you, Spenser”

“You are weak now. You won’t be able to keep going”

“My power is made perfect in weakness”

“Better go ahead and cancel running that 5k with dad on Saturday”

“TRUST ME. I am with you. I will strengthen you”

And, that’s when it all hit me. I’d been putting my strength in myself! But, I was shown here that my own strength wasn’t really strength at all. I HAD to surrender it – I had to lay it down to Christ. Only then would I find rest in Him. I had to remind myself that running was great, fitness is great, but it is not where I place all my hope and confidence. It’s a gift that God has allowed me to do. To HIM be all the glory. It was just the perfect illustration that I couldn’t and wasn’t designed to rely on my own strength. I would need the strength of someone so much greater. It was also a reminder to listen to truth – to choose to believe that God’s truths are more than our feelings and our fears. Moving beyond believing in God to believing God by relying on His Words. It is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment decision to let God’s perspective redefine our own with each doubt we face.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

In case you are wondering, I woke up preparing myself to be disappointed because I would not be able to run. After using a foam roller, I ended up having a great workout by ellipticaling, cycling, and weight training. As I walked out of the gym, I realized that the pain in my right leg had subsided. Sitting here writing this now I can say that ALL pain is gone in my leg… completely. We serve an amazing God. I’m blown away, but how could I expect anything different? The same God that can move mountains, that holds the world in His hands, can do ANYTHING else. And we, you and I, IF you are a follower of Christ Jesus are strengthened with this incredible power. Because of this, we can do ALL things in Christ (Philippians 4:13).

“But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.” Hebrews 10:39

Be encouraged today! You are a child of God, and He has equipped you to do all things! He will never leave us on our own!

This was not MY plan

I’m a huge fan of plans. I like to have them – I think they bring order to life. I have a plan every morning. My alarm goes off, I run between 5 and 10 miles, and I follow it with the same protein shake every morning – one banana, a scoop of protein, a cup of unsweetened almond milk, and a scoop of all natural peanut butter. I don’t like it when my plans change. I think that is why I am so hard on myself when I miss a morning run or eat something unhealthy. I KNOW that a piece of chocolate won’t kill me. I know that missing a day of running won’t either, but I always feel like I’ve let myself down.. like I’ve veered off the blueprint I've made for myself.

A couple weeks ago, ONE of my plans did not go as scheduled. As you know, I’m working towards my masters in nuke, and my thesis right now is looking at the pellet design of Ni-63 pellets that were irradiated in the HFIR. My job is to prove that due to neutron depletion, the ring pellets will produce just as much Nickel-63 as the solid pellets of Nickel-63 (if not more). Due to depletion, absorption, and the fact that I trust my mentor mostly, this should be expected. It’s been a long process for the start of this project, because it is not a simple task to get something into the HFIR. They take things pretty seriously out there when you’re trying to irradiate isotopes.

I haven’t seen the numbers yet, but someone I work with out at the lab crunched the numbers for me. I sat down last Tuesday with my mentor who is funding the project, and he said “Well, we have some interesting news. The results aren’t what we expected at all. In fact, they are exactly the opposite.” He was laughing as he said it, assuring me it would work out either way. I have yet to calculate it myself, so it could just be a math error, but I had about a million thoughts running through my head. This is what my whole thesis is based around. NOW WHAT? What would I even prove? How was I supposed to formulate a thesis on something that didn’t back up what I was trying to prove? My mentor was laughing about it, and the professor who funds my work at school was telling me how awesome it was.. Awesome that science does exactly what we don’t expect. My mentor said something funny to me though that stuck with me. “This is great. This is exactly what nature does – it is the unknown, and it has a funny way of giving us exactly what we don’t (and CAN’T) explain or plan for.”

Of course, I knew differently. It wasn't nature. It was God. Isn't that the truth though? We follow all these plans - we have our lives planned out, thinking that we have this great idea of what our lives should look like. Today, as I sit here, I think about where I'm at in my life right now. This was NOT in my plan. Who I am today is NOT who I'd planned to be. A year ago, I'd planned on being in graduate school, being engaged by now, and standing on a mountain of false hopes and dreams. I planned on being wealthy, successful, powerful, and having all the "things" to accompany this identity. Everything would look good from the outside. I would do what I had to do to achieve success. My foundation was surely built on the sand, not the rock.

"But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:26-27

And boy did it ever come crashing down. And that was not my plan; that was part of a much greater plan - a plan of a God who was not going to let me live life just simply "happy". A plan of a God who was going to really take me through some challenging and examining times in order to find true joy in Him. So, here I am. And it's still NOT my plan. I sit here and wonder what I am doing right now. I have never been more confused about my calling in life, and yet SO completely at peace with that at the same time. I had always thought I'd be a nuclear engineer and that was it. I can see now that it's not really up to me, and I'm OK with that. I have absolutely no idea where or how God is going to use me. Maybe I'm called to open a bakery (OK, maybe I just threw that in there because that would be AMAZING), or maybe I am called in the nuclear medicine field. The only thing I know is that where I am right now is where God has me, and I don't have to strive so hard to follow all these plans that I make for myself, and neither do you! We are FREE from the pressure of plans. That doesn't mean I don't need to stay dedicated and give my work all that I can. I love what I do, and I will continue to give it all I have. It does mean though that God has got it. God is the ultimate planner, and He already has a plan for my life, and for yours! I love it when I think I have it all together, and God changes the plans in my life - it is a reminder that I can let it go, and give it to Him. Thinking back to all my mistakes, all my dumb choices, and all the "bad" things in the past couple years, I love knowing that it was all part of a a greater plan - a plan to bring glory to Him :)

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and he delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.” Psalm 37:23-24