To die is gain

Lying in bed last night, I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. I could hardly wait to wake up – I felt like I had a million thoughts running through my head. I couldn’t wait to wake up and see what God had in store for me, all the things He would show me.

See there is a backstory to this ‘revelation’. The past couple days I’d been struggling with a lot of doubt; Just doubt about God and His plan for my life. I was wondering why He wasn’t doing certain things and getting really frustrated with His timing. I know how difficult it can be trusting in the unseen. What bothered me even more was the fact I even doubted Him – it drove me crazy. It was something I didn’t want to deal with.

Ephesians 1:17-18 says this. “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.”

So that I did. I Prayed he would open my eyes, and put in me a spirit of belief. The great thing about Jesus is that He died for ALL sins… not just some sins. That includes my own doubt. Isn’t that funny? Jesus forgives us EVEN when we doubt Him! I love that. So, anyways I was sitting at my sister’s yesterday, when I decided to open a book Jen Pinkner had given me. It was called “Don’t waste your life” by John Piper. I’d had it for several weeks, and to be honest, I’d kind of been avoiding it. I didn’t want to deal with facing hard questions. I didn’t want to think about the fact that everything I’d put my hope in up until this point was meaningless. I’ve told you before, I’m an optimist. I don’t like dealing with the “bad” of life, thinking about death and whatnot. I like to just go about my day. Before I knew it, I was through chapter 4 and I felt completely turned upside down… It was one of those "a-ha" moments, where something just clicks. Our God is so gracious, and He answered my Prayers. I felt the Spirit in a way I hadn't in a long time. It was one of those moments I find myself asking what I'd been doing my whole life! I wanted more. I wanted more God, more of His Word, more of His wisdom. I wanted to know what I could do to fully serve Him.

Nobody wants to think of their lives and the things they fill it with (other than Jesus) and think of it as meaningless. But isn’t it? I sit here and write this to you and reflect on the past year. The girl writing this today is not the same girl I was a year ago. And for that, I am thankful. There is no explanation for that besides Christ.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

Sitting here I think on the things that I’d so prized. Shamefully, as I write this, I stare at a pair of 700 dollar shoes I’d asked for my birthday. I also think of how I’d made a huge deal of having to have a BMW to drive. Yuck. Even admitting these things to you, I am embarrassed. But, it was never enough. Eventually, I found myself thinking on the next pair I wanted to buy, or after getting my car, lusting after my sister’s new Mercedes. The worst part of it all is this had so been my dream.. I don't know, maybe it is yours. Ahh, the American dream. Graduate college, be successful, have the perfect marriage, gain as many things as you can, and in the midst of this, find happiness. But what about the day that I die? What about the day I stand before my Creator and give him an account of my life. “Look Lord. Look at all this STUFF that I got. Look at these pretty shoes and luxurious cars.” What use would it be to me then? That is the tragedy! That, I believe, is where I have wasted my life. So what now?

It order to start truly living, I must first die... to myself. The point to life IS Christ. Do I still struggle with wanting things? Absolutely. But, what I must learn is that this world that I see everyday is temporary. All of these things will pass. All of the trends, clothes, cars, money.. gone. Eternity is what I must fix my eyes on. Perhaps one of the most profound excerpts from John Piper says this,

“The essence of praising Christ is prizing Christ. Christ will be praised in my death, if in my death he is prized above life. Jesus said, ‘Whoever loves father and mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me’ (Matthew 10:37). When the hours comes for everything to be taken from us but Christ, we will magnify Him by saying ‘In him I have everything and more. To die is gain.’ If we learn to die like this, we will be ready to live. And if we don’t, we will waste our lives.”

WHOA. I don’t know about you, but that put something inside of me. Hear that statement again. “When the hours come for everything to be taken from us but Christ…” Yes, most of us have years to live before we go to live with Christ, but, what if we don’t? I don’t know about you, but I want to wake up each morning knowing how to truly live and knowing that all this stuff will get me nowhere. Don’t get me wrong - I love my life. But just think. How much more amazing and awesome and wonderful and fulfilling and fabulous is eternity going to be? I want to fully be able to think like Paul did every day and say “To live is Christ, and to die is gain”. (Philippians 1:21)

The Mystery of the Missing Stud

I’m going to be really honest and transparent with you today. Last week and through this weekend, I felt myself feeling really discouraged. I felt completely overwhelmed by feelings of worry and anxiety.

Now, stop right here. This is the first problem. I say feelings, because that is all they are. They are feelings; they are emotions – I simply CANNOT trust them.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Even my heart tricks me! I have to remind myself that I can't let my emotions and feelings have power over me. So, back to the worrying..

I have always thought of myself as an extremely joyful person. I wake up each day excited about life and thankful for all God has given me to accomplish that day. I love… living! Last week I had a completely crazy and busy schedule, which is great. I love getting things done; I love marking things off my planner – it drives me! However, about midweek, I found myself feeling extremely overwhelmed about…well, life in general. I found myself worrying about… EVERYTHING!

I worried about a class I was in. I worried about if I would get all my samples counted at the lab. I worried about my future mate, wherever he may be. I worried about the piece of chocolate I ate and how it'd affect my fitness goals. I worried about my family and my friends. I guess in general, I worried about the future.

On Thursday morning, I had about a million things to do. I had a party to help plan, lots of baking to do, oral presentations to listen to from my students on something I could barely remember doing years ago in the lab, and the list goes on. Now, everyone is busy. I am no more busy than anyone else. The point here is that it was going to be a long day. The previous night I realized I’d gone to bed in my earrings. I woke in the middle of the night to take them out and put them on the floor. Well, OF COURSE, I forgot about them. As I cleaned my room the following morning, I noticed one was gone… I mean gone. Absolutely no where in site. About 45 minutes later, I had surveyed my whole room. I had accepted the earring was a goner. This is silly, but I loved those studs. They were Tory Burch studs my mom had gotten me for Christmas, and the fact one had just vanished drove my crazy. They weren't extravagant or too expensive, but I wore them daily and they had meaning!

Well, I didn’t have time for earrings that day. So, I went about the rest of my week. Saturday came and I was completely exhausted from the week before. Despite not feeling 100% and feeling extremely discouraged, I decided to run that day. Now, keep in mind this is Saturday. After completing my run that day, I was ready to go home and crash, but I knew I had to stretch first. As I went to the stretching mat at the Rush and got into Indian style seating, I looked down at my shoe and there it was.

Stuck in my tennis shoe was my missing stud! First of all…RANDOM. The likelihood that a stud would happen to be in just the right position to get stuck in a tennis shoe is low. The likelihood that it would STAY in my shoe for three days is even lower. Keep in mind that between Thursday and Saturday I had run about 15 miles total and done three Insanity workouts with my mom. I find it crazy to me that it had stuck there right in my shoe, despite all the travel.

I know that this sounds like such a small thing, but for me it was HUGE. It was such a good reminder that we serve a God who cares even about the little things in our lives. It was a little reminder that God is always there, and He's got it all under control. If I serve a God who cares even about the little things in my life, then SURELY I serve a God who cares about the big things in life too.

Luke 12:6-7 has some good stuff to say about this.

"Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."

It goes on to say (v. 22-28), “Then He said to His disciples, "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. ²³Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. ²⁴Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? ²⁵And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? ²⁶If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? ²⁷Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ²⁸If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?”

It isn't easy - I wish I weren't a worrier, but I am. It requires me to surrender everything to Christ and quit worrying about what I can and cannot control. God has got it - Let us lay down our fears, our anxieties, our worries, our apprehensions, and everything else and just trust Him today!

Confessions of a Fitness Fanatic

People who know me know that I place physical fitness pretty high on my priorities list. People that really know me know that I have the capability to put fitness a little too high on my priorities list.

I think part of this goes with the fact I am just a little OCD, so I tend to let numbers control my brain (I am an engineer, after all). For this reason, I tend to get constantly focused in on the number of calories burned, the number of calories consumed, and all the other formulas and numbers that go into fitness.. miles, inches, pounds, BMI, etc.

I think another huge culprit to blame is the constant need to be a perfectionist. I don’t like the idea of giving fitness 50%. If I’m going to start a workout program, I’m going to give it 100%. For this reason, it is so easy for me to sometimes put everything else in my life on hold to just focus on my goal. I think perfectionism and OCD kind of go hand in hand, so it makes sense of why I think this way.

However, I think the biggest issue I have comes with wanting a “quick fix” – wanting things now, as quick as possible, without having to put in a whole lot of work. For this reason, I end up setting unrealistic goals for myself such as having to do 5-10 miles a day on a tredmill and eating an all vegan diet. I then try to combine all this with nightly yoga classes, Insanity workouts, and anything else I can find in order to drastically improve my fitness regimen. Why? Because I want good results, instantly. Metaphorically, sometimes I see things as a sprint rather than a marathon. I focus on my progress today rather than what it will be like in a couple months. In doing this, I kind of set myself up for failure! Because the tiniest bit of failure in this scenario feels like an entire defeat.

I’ve been thinking about my physical fitness and spiritual fitness a lot this week. In the same way I view physical fitness, I think I view my spiritual fitness in the same way. Often times, I’ll ask for a deeper longing for Christ or I’ll ask Him to take away a particular sin I’ve been struggling with. And then you know what happens next? I’ll find myself waiting and saying “Alright God, any day now. Let's make this happen." In the same way, I am looking for a quick fix. I’m asking God to change me without putting in the work and discipline. I want him to “fix” me, but I don’t take into account that it is a process, and I must put in the work and discipline, and patience!

Doing this means surrendering to Him and Him alone. It means staying in the Word daily and speaking Truth to myself at times that I get discouraged. Sometimes I think I get caught up in WAITING for God to do something fast, that I forget that I must be proactive about it. I can’t expect results without the discipline and hard work. It is something that requires endurance and takes time. It isn't necessarily a "quick fix". It requires patience, endurance, strength, and self-discipline.

“Being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.” Colossians 1:11

I love this verse. It is a reminder that in both spiritual fitness and physical fitness, we must rely on Him. When I set out to do a goal myself, I usually fail. We must put our reliance in Christ – HE will strengthen us to complete our goals. Even when we fail, He will be right there saying “It’s ok, get back up again.”

Me mentor, Jennifer Pinkner, knows of my struggle with taking fitness to the extreme and gave me 1 Timothy 4:7-8 to meditate on. It’s been huge for me. It emphasizes the importance for physical fitness, but stresses the absolute need for spiritual fitness… Because in the end, isn’t that all that matters? :)

Happy birthday dad!

Happy Birthday to my dad! I wish there was some way I could express just how important my father is to me, but words can’t even explain it in one blog post. My dad has been the single most influential person in my life.

As I think about my childhood and growing up, and about the kind of man my dad is, I think about all the character traits he holds and what makes him such a great man. My dad is the strongest man I know, both physically and emotionally. I have watched my dad battle a disease that doctors said was incurable without ever showing ANY sign of weakness. My dad has never complained, not even once. I have watched him serve his country in Iraq, and I have watched him provide for his family every day of his life. To be honest, I see my dad as invincible (You have NO idea how hard this makes it to date) J To me, there is little that my dad can’t do.

My dad is not perfect, but the BEST thing about him is the parallel I see between him (my earthly father) and my Spiritual Father (Christ). My father is a provider and a protector. He is the only man in my entire life that I have loved so deeply yet feared at the same time. This is the same attitude we, as Christians, are called to have towards Christ. I see the same image as Christ portayed as the lion and lamb in my dad as well.

Now, for those of you that know my dad, this sounds funny. To most people, this is who my dad is:

This is the lion. My dad is fearless and does his job well. My dad is Special forces, and when he wasn't serving his country as a Lt. Col. in the U.S. Army, he spent most of his time as "country manager of Nigeria", helping to rebuild several African countries' governments and military. I know it must be a hard job , especially leaving your family, but he does it because it is where he is called to be. For me, I see this man most of the time. He is a disciplinary, and growing up I knew the rules, and I followed them. Why? Because I feared my father - I knew the consequences that would come if I didn't obey him.

However, one of my favorite things I get to see so often is the lamb. I see a man who passionately loves the Lord and his family; A man that knows apart from Christ, he is nothing. I see a man that will scold me for doing wrong, and yet lovingly comfort me in times of my pain and shame. Never once in my life have I "gone too far", nor does he EVER bring up any of my past mistakes. This is what I love most about my dad.

I know what the Bible tells me about Christ. I know that Christ loves us deeply and that there are consequences to sin. I know the Bible also tells me that we are forgiven once we are children of Christ Jesus, and that we can likewise never go too far. How extremely blessed I am, though, to have an earthly father who gives me an idea of what this looks this. Again, my dad is human. The best part of all this is that our Heavenly Father is perfect. My dad can only give me so much love and support. My Heavenly Father can (and will) provide this in abundance. I know how much I love being loved on and hugged by my dad. How much greater will it be to be hugged on and loved by our Savior one day!

Isn't life wonderful?

It's weeks like this that make me so incredibly thankful for Christ and his graciousness. This week has been one of reflection for me. I am so thankful to have a God that tugs at my heart. I can't help but name a few lingering questions that have taken over my brain this week:

How am I ever going to make it through graduate school and finish my thesis by December? (I am terrible at writing papers)

What is the next fitness and diet plan I can go on to get even more extreme results?

What do I need in my closet to prepare for summer?

How many more supplies must I buy in order to make baked goods for next weekend?

It sounds silly, but when I tell you that these thoughts have engulfed my mind this week, I am not lying. This leads me to wonder why they continue to haunt my brain. While annoying, I am also incredibly thankful for these incessant thoughts. It leads me to ask myself a huge question that I must deal with.

Where does my hope lie? What defines me?

I would love to sit here and say that my hope is 100% rooted in Jesus Christ, but my fears and worries and lingering questions tell otherwise. It makes me ask myself an alarming question. Who would I be WITHOUT the engineering degree, without the fitness facade, or this season's latest fads? The truth is this world is ever-changing. The money eventually runs out, the clothes fade, and our bodies get weaker. It's something that terrifies me. I don't like to think of a future without "success". I must remind myself that in an ever-changing world, there is One that is constant. This is not an easy process. It seems like around every corner is something I am chasing in order to maintain my "identity" in this world. I am reminded of Isaiah 40:8

It is a reminder that all of the "stuff" we chase will fade away. Don't get me wrong - I think working hard is important. I also enjoy things like fitness, fashion, and baking. I believe these are all good things - things that God has put on this earth for us to enjoy. But, I think the problem arises when we place our hope in these things. These things do not define me and do not fulfill me. I know this because the more I find myself chasing them, the more I want; more money, better results, better clothes. There is never any true fulfillment in the things of this world.

This is such a hard thing for me to deal with. I find myself struggling daily with chasing after worldly things. It is just plain hard! What I must remind myself is the complete and utter joy that comes from Christ Jesus - a joy that I can't begin to explain to anyone in words. Things make me happy. Jesus makes me joyful. To anyone who knows what feeling I am talking about, being joyful is 98239823 times better than being happy. In Christ is where I must find my hope. Tomorrow I could be jobless, homeless, alone, and in the worst shape of my life, and I must continue to believe that I would be OK. I must continue to rest in Him and know that my hope comes only from our Savior. I hope you are having such a blessed Sunday! Know that you are loved passionately by Christ today.