This past week and weekend was marked by two occurrences that I think need to be addressed, and it’s the topic of fear. Of course, I managed to sneak fitness into this blog post too because I wouldn’t be me without somehow including one of my favorite topics!
The first thing happened to me driving home from coffee with my friends on Friday afternoon. I always find God’s timing unexplainably perfect. I’d been worrying so much last week with thinking on all the “what if’s” of life again and being consumed with an unknown future. I was supposed to meet my friends at Panera at 4 o’clock, but stopped by my friend Chelsea’s apartment for a few minutes after teaching lab. For as OCD as I am, I am also extremely scatter-brained. Of course, I left my purse at her place, which had my wallet and phone charger in it. I was almost to Panera already and too lazy to go back, so I just decided to stick it out, knowing that one of my friends wouldn’t mind buying me my coffee. While at Panera, I also noticed my service on my Iphone mysteriously shut off. It kept saying it was searching for signal. I mention this because it was such a strange thing to happen, due to the fact I never have issues with it. I ALWAYS have service and never have problems getting in contact with people. I figured I'd just worry about it when I got home.
Leaving Panera, I sort of felt kind of jittery and dizzy. I assume it was probably the coffee I’d inhaled, and set on my journey from Knoxville back to my house in Oak Ridge. This is where it gets weird. Reaching the West Town exit, I started to feel VERY odd. I couldn’t swallow and my hands had gone completely numb. I knew what was happening, because it’s happened to me one other time in my whole life. I was having a panic attack. In saying this, I must mention my dad always gives me a hard time when I bring up panic attacks and anxiety, because he says they are just feelings of nervousness. My dad is right, but for those who have ever had a panic attack, they are very real and VERY scary. I reached for my phone to call my mom, but my phone refused to let me dial out. Panic set in. I couldn't reach anyone to calm me down. My next thought was that I would just get off at the next exit and get a drink or something to eat. I then realized I didn’t have my wallet. This is really where complete fear set in. Completely paralyzed now, I was having a full blown panic attack. I was moments away from pulling over on the side of the road at this point, because for those who DON’T know, a panic attack kind of feels like you’re going to die. They are completely harmless, but in the moment, you are stripped of all comfort and relief.
In that moment, I really had absolutely nothing. I had no one to call, no one to talk to, no wallet, and at this point I’d passed all exits. I felt completely powerless and abandoned. There was absolutely nothing I could do but cry out to God. When I had my first panic attack last spring break (which stemmed from some poor life choices I'd made and God "waking" me up), I struggled a lot the following months after with anxiety and fear. My mom was great through the whole thing, and would always tell me that there were moments in her life where she would have to speak Scripture outloud to herself to combat the enemy's lies. She also spoke of moments at red lights where she would flip open her Bible and begin reading. I never really understood this concept and the importance of Scripture memorization until a couple months ago, and got to see it in action first-hand on Friday. What happened next was pretty amazing. I started speaking every Scripture I’d ever memorized out loud, and refuting the enemy, the fear, the panic, and the anxiety.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Psalms 86:7
Literally said it over and over and over in the next few moments. Also had a scripture on my dashboard that says "...But we have the mind of Christ" (1 Corinthians 2:16). I began reciting anything I could think of out loud. And just like that, all feelings of panic were gone. It was amazing. Literally, within moments of crying out to Christ and reciting His promises, all the scary feelings were completely stripped from me. It was an amazing picture of Jesus in Mark amongst the disciples. Jesus took my fear away in moments. It was awesome timing. All of my little comforts that I have in my everyday life were taken from me in that drive home, and I had no choice but to cry out to Him.
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39
The next thing that happened was something I was struggling with yesterday. I never like to give the enemy a lot of credit, because being a child of Christ, satan has absolutely no authority over me. He does however know where our fears are and will do ANYTHING to target those. I love working out and eating healthy, but unfortunately I used to hold a lot of my identity in my body. I still struggle with constant fear of losing what I work so hard for. I still have to work through not beating myself up whenever I eat something that I have dubbed “bad”. Well, yesterday I ended up caving and eating a lot of junk. I rarely eat sweets, but when I do… It’s not just an oreo or two. When I woke up this morning, I was overwhelmed. I felt like I’d ruined all of my progress because I’d failed. I was overwhelmed with fear that I wouldn’t be able to run or eat healthy again, because I’d sabatoged myself the day before. It sounds ridiculous, but like I say, the enemy knows where we struggle in our flesh. Again, I found myself having to speak Truth to myself. Fear is not from Christ. I’ve quoted it before, but I think it’s so important to know:
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7
As I found myself running this morning, I literally had to think on this verse the whole time, among the well-known “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phillipians 4:13). And just like that, I found myself finishing 7 miles this morning – I haven’t run like that since I was in high school! It was another good reminder how gracious and giving our God is, and how we must always be on our guard against the enemy. I never understood the importance of Scripture memorization, but that is seriously our WEAPON against satan and his lies. All the fear that satan tries to give us can be combated with Truth from a much bigger God.. What an awesome thing! We no longer have to live captive to fear – we have been set free. Sorry for the long post. I hope it encouraged you today. :)
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